Farty's Fortunes

Friday, 30 May 2008

Farty's Friday Chart

Things Money Can Buy

Cheat Sheet:

Wednesday, 28 May 2008

You'll Have Someone's Eye Out With That

There seems to be an epidemic of PC tomfoolery this week, I hope the relevant authorities are looking into it, what if it turns out to be infectious?

At Cambridge University, TPTB have banned mortarboard throwing on health and safety advice from the hat police. And quite right too, I wouldn't want one of those landing on me.

A mortar board yesterday

In Essex, the bunting brigade have put a stop to the tradition of hanging little birds above the road by issuing a six-page document advising that the string would have to be tied to "stainless steel eyebolts that have to undergo rigorous wind and stress tolerance testing". As you do.

JordanHaving nothing better to do, like catch criminals, West Midlands Police have demoted an anti-terrorist officer for the heinous crime of putting a poster of Jordan in his locker.

Oh. That Jordan. Even so...Jordan

In Northumberland, a 16-year-old boy was handed a £50 fine for dropping a helium balloon after sucking the helium out to make his voice squeaky. Fair enough, the ugly twat fully deserved it.Max Twizell

And isn't it amazing what you can buy online? Or not, if the busybodies get in the way. A Canadian couple have been arrested for trying to sell their baby daughter on Craigslist for $C10,000 in the same week that a pair of Germans were done for putting their son on eBay for €1. Does that mean girls fetch a better price or that Craigslist is the better marketplace? If only Craigslist had been around when Little Miss Farty was born, sigh.

Baby Monkey

Sunday, 25 May 2008

Merkan-English Dictionary #12

Cor blimey, guv/Golly gee! Is he still writing that tosh/crap? Yes indeed/Yo, dude!


VetIn the UK, a vet is someone who looks after sick animals. If the poor beast is beyond help, he/she puts the creature to sleep, then charges an extortionate fee.

e.g. A man takes his dead dog to the vet. The vet tells him his dog is dead. The man asks if the vet is sure? So the vet fetches a tom cat, which walks around the dead mutt, peering closely at it, then strolls off with its tail in the air. The vet repeats that the dog is dead. Still not convinced, the man requests further confirmation, so the vet calls on his labrador. The labrador sniffs at the dead dog, barks once and leaves. The vet says that this proves the dog is dead, and the man finally accepts this.
Two weeks later, the man phones the vet to query the £255 bill, so the vet explains: "Five pounds for telling you your dog's dead; fifty for the cat scan and two hundred for the lab test."

In Merka, vets hardly ever treat sick animals. This is thought to be because Merkan vets are more used to working with heavy artillery than scalpels, syringes and that, what with being former soldiers.

Interestingly, Zimbabwean vets have no idea how to look after animals and have no experience of warfare either. Which hasn't stopped President Robert Mugabe from taking arable farmland away from white farmers and handing it over to black vets, leading to crop failure, desertification and famine. Anyone who knows what a Zimbabwean vet actually does should contact the Zimbabwean government urgently.


MagnumA Magnum is something cold that you put in your mouth, where it gives you a good feeling. Unless you're a Merkan, in which case this is not recommended. Seriously.


Fish & ChipsServed on their own, British chips are delicious. But when a nice portion of battered cod is added to make a "fish supper", this makes a tasty and nutritious "meal".

CHiPsMerkans - well, some Merkans - also think chips are tasty, but seem to prefer USiNg MIxEd CAsE WHeN WrItiNG ThE wORd dOWn.

There's also something called "French fries", or possibly "Freedom fries", but since the French insist on calling potatoes "Apples of the ground", I think we can safely discount that one.

Friday, 23 May 2008

Sometimes It's The Little Things

Like a bunch of dandelions growing by the roadside.

BabeOr an article in the papers that says most chicks at work don't like being called "love". Although oddly, ten per cent of South East dolls said they would take Babe as a compliment. Presumably the ten percent who haven't seen the film.

Skinny SpiceOr the news that, after making a detailed series of measurements and observations, boffins have concluded that Victoria Beckham's eyes really are bigger than her belly.

Or the way that women say odd things like: "Take the tablecloth off the table so we can have lunch; I don't want to get it dirty 'cos it's designer." Um, can you run that last one past me again?

Farty's Friday Chart

Last week's horse-themed post went down well. Let's see what you make of this one.

Bos grunniens

Wild Ox

Playboy girls




Water Pistol

Say what you see, as someone once said.

Wednesday, 21 May 2008

Major Misunderstanding

Glimpsed an article on CNN today, something about barristers wearing bikinis? Apparently the people of Washington are up in arms about it, and quite right too.

How is a jury supposed to concentrate on the case in hand when there's a scantily-clad chick prancing around the courtroom shaking her booty? Or is that the idea?

"Your honour, my client is innocent, as I'm sure these twelve good men and true will agree." Shimmy-shimmy. "The fourteen stab wounds in the back of the unfortunate so-called victim are evidence only of the worst case of suicide in legal history." Flutter-flutter, wiggle-wiggle.

"How does the jury find?"

"Er, what? Yeah, whatever she said." Slobber-slobber. Drool.

"Acquitted. Next!"

It would certainly speed up the legal process.

Bikini Barrister

Monday, 19 May 2008

Mr Farty's World-Famous Banoffee Pie Recipe - Illustrated

Banoffee Pie

I get more hits on this blog for my Banoffee Pie recipe than anything else, so it's only fair that I should update it with step-by-step photos and that.

This is absolutely the bestest thing to eat in the world.

Your taste buds will love you forever.

Your arteries...well, you only live once.


1 tin sweetened condensed milk. Not pre-cooked caramel, it's too runny.
12-15 digestive biscuits, McVities if you can get them.
3 oz. butter. Not margarine, not "I can't believe...", not "Spreadable", but BUTTER.
½ tsp freshly ground ginger (optional).
1 pint (600ml) whipping cream aka double cream. Not that low-fat crap either.
3 large green bananas. More if they're smaller.
1-2 Cadbury's Flakes.
1 fresh (cough) lemon.
1 large dash of Amarula (optional).

Crush the biscuits into a large bowl, not forgetting to add the ginger. Like I did.
Crush biscuits

Nuke the butter for 10 seconds on full power.

Make a well in the crushed biscuits and pour in the melted butter
Add melted butter

and a measure of Amarula
One measure of Amarula

and mix thoroughly.

Spread over the base of a flan dish, tamp down flat
Tamp down and pop into the freezer.

In ur freezer, chillin'

Another measure of Amarula

Set the TARDIS controls for yesterday. Put the unopened tin/s in a deep pan and cover with water. 1
Simmering water

Bring to the boil, turn down the heat and simmer for 4 hours, topping up regularly. Return to the present day.


Only when it has cooled enough to pick up barehanded, open the tin of what-has-now-magically-become-toffee and spread over the biscuit base before returning it to the freezer.

Toffee spreaded

Slice the bananas into a bowl with some freshly squeezed
Freshly squeezed *cough* lemon juice, then arrange over the baseSliced bananas in layers.Second layer
Put 6-7 slices in a separate bowl for decoration.

Rather than washing out the bowl, pour the excess lemon juice into a glass, then hand-whisk the creamHand whisk until it forms soft peaks. Gently fold in the remaining lemon juice to thicken the mixture.
Stiff peaks

Smother the bananas in cream.
Cream on bananas

Smooth over with a palette knife or back of a spoon.
Smoothed cream

Decorate with the remaining slices of banana and crumble the Flake/s over the top, being careful not to obscure the banana with the crumbled...Add chocolatemeh.

Et Violá!

Et Violá

Serves 8-12. Or two teenagers.


Preparation time about an hour plus four hours keeping half an eye on the cooking tins.
Wash your hands, a lot, unless you like sticky cameras.
Use the base of a glass tumbler to crush the Flake/s before unwrapping.
Use a glass flan dish, otherwise you might score it getting the slices out.
If you insist on opening the tin while it is still piping hot, don't come running to me when it sprays hot toffee in your face. You have been warned.
I like to cook 2-3 tins of toffee at once. Write "TOFFEE" on the tops of all cooked tins before returning them to the cupboard, so you don't cook them again.
If you prepare the base overnight, allow 30 mins after adding the topping to allow the base to thaw before serving.
Can be frozen, but I wouldn't.
I was going to calculate the calories but then I realised if you were worried about your weight, you wouldn't be here.
If you're wondering "banoffee pie is it ok to cook condensed milk overnight?" No. Just no.
The makers say you should never boil an unopened can as it might explode. Here is the correct way:
How to caramelize condensed milk.

I Am Not Funny!

According to Scotchland's greatest living beard bard, Billy Connelly, no less.


Saturday, 17 May 2008

A Brief History Of Scotchland - Part 3

Gay Friar's Boaby was an STD of the clergy a wee dug that ran through the streets of Auld Reekie 150 years ago. Although many people tried to adopt him, he preferred to be on his own, often helping young boys or engaging in secret agent-type activities. Sometimes he would pretend to be a beeatch, dressing up as a Border Collie and answering to the name of "Lassie". This penchant for cross-dressing persists in Scotchland to this day, as Mr Angry will attest.

The City of Embra was for a time known as "Auld Reekie", a term of affection named after the delicious aroma which trailed after Mr Farty's ancestors, especially after a good Indian curry. Or possibly because of the smoke from burning witches, cannibals and other ne'er-do-wells. Glasgow has tried to steal Embra's thunder by "accidentally" setting various buildings on fire, most recently their airport, but to no avail.

Smeato to the rescue
Further up the coast can be found Arbroath Smokies, but that's a different kettle of fish altogether.

Arbroath Smokies
Another, purely gratuitous, smokin' picture: Scotch telly presenter Lorraine Kelly. Sigh.

Lorraine Kelly
For more totally authentic Scotch history and that, click on the Scotch facts label below.

Friday, 16 May 2008

Dead Poets Society

It was in the year two thousand and eight,
That several works were auctioned by a poet great,
Though to be fair some of his poetry upon the ear did grate.
Unfortunately for him he did not profit; being late.

His collection fetched more than the creator of Harry Potter,
For her first editions about the boy wizard and that rotter,
Who tried to kill him through magic, that she wrote in a jotter,
To provide a little nest-egg for her daughter.

For his verses on Robert The Bruce he is known as the master,
But rather more famous is he for his words on the Tay Bridge disaster.
This tribute would be much vaster,
But I have to go and clean up the bathroom, whose walls are covered in plaster.

Farty's Friday Chart

Two tests this time:
Firstly, can you name horses 1-4 correctly?

No Man can tame him
Cunningly disguised
A four-legged friend

Secondly, name that tune.